Darkest Night
by carlycarter
Summary: N/H, season 3 ish. The fragile trust between N&H is shattered as Helen learns the truth behind Nikki's case. Nikki realises Helen is keping a big secret of her own. Can they put this aside to prove Nikki innocent of the latest murder on G wing?
1. Chapter 1

a/n -Mostly a N/H story~ Helen has said goodbye to Larkhall forever, but a mysterious 'suicide' on G wing lures her back. The fragile relationship she is building with Nikki seems destined to end as Helen makes some discovery about the night of the murder that landed Nikki in jail, and suspicion falls on Nikki for this latest death on G wing. Is Helen the only one who can prove Nikki is innocent? Will she be willing to put herself on the line to help Nikki, and will Nikki be able to trust Helen again after learning the real reason she left Larkhall in the first place?

a/n 2 - Some facts changed for story purposes. Set around beginning season 3, Though Helen is still Gov of G wing. Dominic is still around, and a few other facts that I know aren't strictly sticking with the show but I hope will make some sense in any case.

Ch 1

Helen Stewart sat on the beach, oblivious to the beauty surrounding her. In the months since she had taken holidays from Larkhall she had been desperately trying to escape the thoughts in her head.

She barely heard the phone ring the first time, or the second. Only the third time did she register the noise as being her cell phone, and she had no inclination to answer it. The incessant ringing irritated her rather than made her curious, and she welcomed the brief respite from her thoughts to attend to the irritation. Not wanting to speak with anyone she let the call divert to message back and minutes later she checked her mail box completely unprepared for the message that followed.

A message from Jim Fenner of all people. She wanted to throw the phone down. Why should she care for anything Fenner had to say? Why on earth would he call her when she was on holidays? But something stopped her hanging up. Some feeling she got from the urgency in his voice, this was important. And it felt good to be momentarily distracted by rage for Jim.  
_  
"Helen. Sorry to disturb your vacation. We've had a bit of trouble on G Wing. Another suicide. Can you believe it. ........."_

Fenners voice droned on and on but Helen dropped the phone into the sand. One thought crossed her mind.

_Nikki._

Helen replayed the last words she had said to Nikki. The last conversation they had before Helen left on vacation.

~"_Nikki we have to end this. We can't be involved. Your room mate, she knows you spent the night with me, you escaped and I helped you cover it up. My job Nikki, this has to end. It has ended." Helen spoke with authority that made Nikki's blood boil. Those were weak cowardly excuses that earned Helen a look of disgust from Nikki._

"You coward." Nikki accused her.

"Hate me for it." Helen taunted her.

But Nikki couldn't hate her. Couldn't let it go. It was bad enough the bars between them, bad enough Helen and her pathetic excuses. Helen saw it in Nikki's eyes. Saw the love that had not been extinguished, knew enough of Nikki's stubborn rebellious streak to know Nikki would not respect her request. "No." Nikki said quietly. "No I wont hate you, I love you Helen, and I know you love me.

And so Helen took that step over the line. Twisted the knife. Opened her mouth and said clearly. "Nikki, You are a criminal. A cold blooded killer. How could you possibly think I feel anything for you but disgust?"

_The words hurt but Nikki fought her way through them, seeing what Helen was trying to do._

"You liar." Nikki accused her softly but confidently.

"You're the liar Nikki. I found out your secret. I know about that night. The real reason you are in Jail." Helen threw in her face.

_Those were the words that finally rendered Nikki speechless. Those were the words that wounded her. She didn't try to explain or defend herself. She should have told the truth all along. Helen couldn't possibly know it- not the whole truth. Someone's twisted version maybe. Nikki had never told anyone the whole truth._

"I have to tell you, what really happened, Helen please listen to me..."

_"Its too late Nikki. I'm sick of excuses." Helen said boldly although curiosity begged the question- tell me! And the pained look in Nikki's eyes made Helen want to say "sit down sweet heart, tell me everything, trust me, let me in." It irked her that there was something so big that Nikki had kept hidden from her. How could Helen or the lawyers help with the appeal when Nikki wasn't being honest?_

It took every ounce of strength for Helen to hold back. 'I have to cut you loose Nikki' She silently explained 'For both of us to survive I have to cut you loose.' It was for Nikki's own good, get her mind off silly ideas like escape and romance, and get her focused on her appeal, her future. It was for Helen's own good too, for her sanity, She had slipped fast and furiously into a downhill spiral of madness. She wanted out. There was only one way. To hurt Nikki so bad that she turned away. And she had tried. This whole painful conversation it was what she was trying to do. Nikki was making it so bloody difficult, as usual. She had to try harder.

She swallowed and with dignity, composure, and a steady gaze she spoke in her most pious tone "You make me sick."

Nikki shook her head "Sorry Helen, I don't believe you, You have to do better than that."

Ah sweet Nikki, I slam door after door in your face and you're still fighting, still standing strong, your eyes searching into _my soul. You see the panic, uncertainty_, _desire. I have to stop this now._

"Ok" Helen conceded. "The truth. I'm afraid."

Nikki smiled "I know you're scared. I'm scared too. But it will be ok. Trust me. We'll stick together and it will all be ok." Nikki reached forward for Helen's hands and Helen pulled away quickly.

"No Nikki. I'm afraid of you. They were right, You're a cold blooded killer. You're a monster Nikki. "

Helen knew she had crossed the line. But it had worked. Guilt mingled with relief and _satisfaction flooded her mind. She had done it- freed them both. And she had walked out the door for her holiday three months ago and determined never to look back._


	2. Chapter 2

Nikki tried to sit still, placing her hands firmly clasped in her lap. She kept her gaze fixed towards the front of the room, teeth clenched. It took every ounce of will power to remain so still, so silent. Anger burned in her blood. She felt the hand on her shoulder from behind, and heard the whisper from Yvonne.

'Stay cool.'

Yvonne was close enough she could feel her breathing against her neck, and yet the words echoed from so far away. Everything seemed so far away, and Nikki tried desperately to ground herself in the moment. She fixed her gaze to the crucifix at the front of the church and tried act as if she was engrossed in the memorial service.

Nikki knew it was important, Now of all times, to keep her cool. But she felt ready to explode. She breathed in deeply, telling herself that a week down the block wasn't worth it. It would be incredibly unpleasant as she well knew from prior experience. Now was not the time or place for any action. Yvonne was right, stay cool and shut up.

But somehow, in the midst of turmoil that surrounded the death of a fellow inmate on G wing, a spark glimmered in Nikki's mind. A forbidden thought. Would it be such a bad thing sent down the block? All alone in that room. Privacy was a rare thing at Larkhall. And Helen. Would Nikki's poor conduct warrant a visit from the governor? Childish images ran through her mind, Helen locking the door behind her as she entered the room, locking the world out. Just the two of them alone in their sweet sanctuary. Nikki heard the rumours that Helen was back early from holidays, and she wanted more than anything to have it out with her. She needed to explain. To make things right. She needed to get Helens attention just for a short while. and causing a scene at the memorial service might be just the perfect way to go about it.

Nikki's thoughts swung violently back and forth between this ideal fantasy, and the cold hard reality. Even if Helen took time from her busy schedule to visit Nikki down the block, it was unlikely to be a pleasant visit. The sweet accent of Helen's voice contrasted with the harsh tones in Nikki's imagination as she played out the scene in her mind. Helens eyes would stare, cold and hard. "_Well, what have you done now_?" She would ask. Her voice dripping with condemnation, frustration, and worse- disappointment. That disappointment, the expectation that it had been Nikki''s fault, the lack of surprise in Helens voice that Nikki had once again got herself sent down the block. All these things helped Nikki realise she needed to heed Yvonne's advice. Now was not the time for action. Stay cool.

Nikki managed to control herself, sitting still for the remainder of the memorial service appropriately. But she could not stop viewing scene in her head that her imagination had begun. Down the block, Helen visiting. Helens words came hard and fast, she needed no time to consider her verdict, no time to listen. "_Lock her up and throw away the key" _Helen said without emotion as she turned and walked away.


	3. Chapter 3

Helen cradled her head in her hands as she sat at her desk. It felt strange being back at Larkhall. She had not planned on returning following her holiday. But here she was. She couldn't stop thinking. About Nikki. About that night they spent together. About Nikki hating her for taking her back to Larkhall. What if Nikki had been right? What if she never got her appeal? What if Helen had jeopardised her last chance at freedom? How could she forgive herself for that.

_It's hardly my fault_, Helen assured herself. _I'm not the reason she is in prison. I'm not the reason her appeal has now been jeopardised. She did that damage herself committing a crime in the first place, she did that damage by lying to me, lying to her lawyer. What did she think it would achieve?_

Helen had been called back from holidays early to investigate the death on G wing. She had returned to chaos. And yet all she could think right now was this- Thank God it wasn't Nikki. Her relief consumed her and left no room for sympathy for the real victim. Helen shook her head, Nikki would never consider suicide. It was absurd that Helen even thought it. But it had scared her shitless, thinking of Nikki gone, thinking she had caused it. It made her realise that she couldn't just walk away, she couldn't leave things as they were. She realised she may have little choice in the matter. No doubt Nikki had lost all respect for her after their argument. And that was probably for the best. It was over. Maybe she should have left it all alone.

In a desperate attempt to distract herself Helen turned to the reports from the officers on duty at the time of the suicide on G wing. But something did not sit right. There was more to the story than the reports offered , she felt it in her bones.

Dominic was the only one who agreed with her on this point. Perhaps he was not the only one who agreed that something didn't add up, but he was the only one who seemed bothered by the fact. Helen had been surprised and delighted when she returned from holidays to find Dominic had also returned to Larkhall. He smiled at her as he entered her office for a briefing, followed by Jim and Sylvia.

"Well well then, another one bites the dust. One less trouble maker on G wing, that's a good thing if you ask me." Sylvia announced.

"No body did ask you, Sylvia, and I'll thank you to keep your opinions to yourself." Helen replied harshly. She was in no mood for Sylvia today.

"Oh come on Helen, its no great loss to the world, Chin up." Jim intervened in support of Sylvia, the two of them exchanging a wide grin.

Ordinarily she would have reprimanded him too, but she had no energy to deal with his callousness today and let the comment slide.

Helen felt Dominic's questioning gaze upon her, waiting for her to put Jim in his place. Finally Dominic spoke ."Well, I think we should interview the girls again, the ones who were there that night, someone is bound to slip up and tell us the truth of what happened."

Jim laughed "What difference would that make son?"

"What difference?" Dominic repeated indignantly. "Truth. Justice. We owe it to her, to her family and friends to find out the truth!" Dominic looked to Helen for support.

"Another time Dominic" She said swiftly.

"Oh sure, another time then." Dominic said sarcastically. "Someone in our care is dead, but lets worry about that some other more convenient time!"

It was not in his nature to speak back to Helen in that tone. And she felt momentarily bad for not standing beside him and supporting him. After all he was right, and it was painful to watch him outnumbered by those bastards. But today she found Dom's enthusiasm and idealism as draining as Jim and Sylvia's callousness. She had no time for it. But she couldn't leave him stranded there.

"What do you expect I can do about it Dominic? You know what they are like, they all stick together, no one will utter a word to us. And Jim's right " Helen added, almost choking on those two words. "It wont bring her back. Lets just leave it for today, let the girls attend the memorial service in peace. Speaking of which, we best be on our way to the chapel."

Jim smiled, as he and Sylvia left the office, playfully punching Dom in the arm "Come on son, more important things to be doing than wasting the Governors time."

Dominic waited in stunned silence until Jim and Sylvia had left the room.

"I thought you were different." He accused Helen bluntly. "I actually thought you cared."

The accusation stung Helen "Dom, I do care." She protested, but was unable to justify her comments earlier. "Give me a minute yeah? I just walked in the door." She said more gently.

Dom seemed satisfied that the Helen he knew and counted on was back in business. "Right then. Well I think the best thing to do is that you could talk to Nikki about it." He suggested as he invited himself to sit down at the desk opposite Helen.

"What?" Helen answered quickly in surprise. She was trying so hard to push Nikki out of her mind.

"You're right, its not going to be easy, finding the truth, no one will talk to one of us. But you and Nikki, you have a good relationship. She trusts you. She'd tell you if you played your cards right. She was there that night, I bet she knows what happened." Dominic went on to explain, pleased with himself at his plan. He failed to see the color drain from Helens face at the mention of Nikki, or to notice that he had lost his audience, Helen was no longer listening.


	4. Chapter 4

Nikki turned around to assure her friend she was in control, and also secretly scanning the back of the church for signs of Helen. Just where was governor Stewart? Where was Helen? Helen who cared about everyone so damn much? Helen who cut her holidays short for a dead woman. Helen who cares so much for a dead woman but not one thought for the living hell she had made of Nikki's existence. Helen hadn't even been game to show her face at the service. Brilliant. Yes that'd be right. Helen who pretended to care so much, Helen Stewart really didn't give a fuck.

_"Don't go." Nikki had said to her the day she left on holidays._

"This can not continue Nikki. Do you understand me?:

"It did happen. It is happening Helen. You can't walk away from me."

But Helen did walk away.

And Nikki was powerless to do anything about it. She was crazy with powerlessness. She could do nothing. Nothing at all to prevent Helen from doing this, from hurting them both, destroying the most precious thing either one had ever known. And it made Nikki crazy. Crazy like the night that had ended her in Larkhall in the first place. Crazy like she felt now sitting helpless at the memorial service for her friend knowing that the death was not a suicide, not an accident.

_"Don't go" Nikki had pleaded. It was all she had to offer. No incentives to stay, no promises, no threats, all she cold manage was those words. "Helen, Don't go."_

The tenderness in Helens voice broke Nikkis heart as she replied "Nikki, I have to."

Her eyes pleaded with Nikki to understand. But Nikki did not want to. She responded sarcastically "Oh of course, the beach is waiting for you."

"Nikki, I an not going to discuss this." Helen replied sternly.

Ah yes, Nikki thought. What would Helen have done without that card to play. The -I'm the governor, your the prisoner, I don't owe you anything, least of all an explanation- Card  
  
Yes Helen had played the game all the way, enjoyed it, got her kicks out of it, and then taken off. Finally she had let her true feelings known, she was disgusted by Nikki, she was afraid of her. That thought cut through Nikki deeper than any other. It had all been some sick and twisted game to Helen. And even knowing this, Nikki couldn't stop herself wishing desperately that Helen wouldn't leave. But she had.

~~

Nikki had been far from forgotten as she had accused Helen. Helen spent had her every available second digging into her case files, looking for loop holes, some ammunition for the upcoming appeal. She would have to dig carefully. Because just like the recent 'suicide' on G wing, the accounts of the murder that had landed Nikki Wade in prison had seemed incomplete. Something was missing. At first Helen thought was it just her desperation to believe Nikki's innocence? To help her gain her freedom? And then she had found it. The missing piece. But far from proving Nikki's innocence- that things Helen discovered only seemed to prove Nikki Wade was a liar and a cold blooded killer.

Anger burned in her heart as she realised Nikki had left such a huge part of the story out. And she began to wonder just what kind of person Nikki was? Did Helen know her at all? Was she just a liar and a killer? No. Something still didn't add up, and she wished she had let Nikki explain it the day she had left. Now she was stuck leafing through file after file looking for something that would help her understand.

She glanced occasionally at the clock as she worked. The memorial service would have started. She should be there. But she was scared to leave the desk even as she had hurried the others to the service to pay their respects.

In just the three months she had been away things had changed. Her clothes no longer fit, her stomach was swelling, hidden under layers of loose clothes. No one seemed to notice so far. But she couldn't hide it forever. Sooner or later they would notice. And Nikki? Nikki would notice straight away. Nikki would just know. She would take one look at her and know. And Helen owed to her an explanation. Nikki wasn't the only one keeping secrets.

Helen placed her hand gently over the loose fitting fabric of her clothes. As she did she imagined Nikki's hands, caressing her swollen breasts, splayed across her growing belly. There was always something Helen had found attractive about pregnancy. A baby was something she had wanted. One day. A baby didn't belong here and now. It was all so complicated. There was her job to consider. And there was Nikki. She tried to tell herself that Nikki Wade had nothing what so ever to do with her life. But in the deepest place in her heart she knew it wasn't so. And then there was the baby's father. Bile rose in her throat as she thought about him. He was another person she tried never to think about. She would remove him from the picture. He did not belong in her life.

Nikki didn't belong in her life either, Helen reminded herself. This fantasy illusion of a happy family type situation with Nikki was just not on the cards. Nikki was a prisoner in her care. In jail for murder. How can a convicted murder play any part in a happy family? And aside from that Nikki had always been so insanely jealous and possessive. When she discovered Helen was pregnant she would think Helen had been playing her all along. She would feel betrayed. And even if those things were not the case, there was the simple fact- Helen wasn't interested in woman. She was as straight as they come. She almost laughed at the absurd notion in her mind, having a baby with her convicted killer lesbian lover. How had her life taken such a turn?

The cold hard reality of the situation was that she was facing life as an unemployed single parent. She would lose her career, lose Nikki, lose everything. It was far from the life she had envisioned for herself.

Helen had not planned to return to Larkhall after her holidays. But things had got messy. She received that phone call, came running back, and now she was here. It was impossible now to walk away from the death on G wing, from Nikki's appeal, and from Nikki.


End file.
